Pregnancy Diaries with Leah Ladson

I sit here on the couch on my second full kid-free day of maternity leave, and I’m so lost.

I’ve just spent 10 weeks in isolation with my family, craving this alone time. And now I have it. Why aren’t I enjoying it?

I guess there are so many facets to where I am at right now:

• I’m 33 weeks pregnant and have all’o’the hormones.
• I *just* got the hang of homeschooling the girls, and now all of a sudden they are back at school/kinder and I feel like the mental state of everyone who has just battled through this isolation/remote learning period has been totally understated. So many resources have been thrown at supporting businesses and families financially, as well as increasing hygiene standards worldwide (Don’t get me wrong, so grateful for that!) but where are the mental health resources?
• I have been suffering from pelvic instability from 19 weeks of my pregnancy. So 3+ months of chronic pain and very little mobility is starting to catch up with me mentally and physically.
• I’m not very good at doing nothing. The kids are back at school and Dez is back to work, and I guess I feel a little (a LOT) lost as to what my role is now.
• I haven’t had a second to think about myself or my feelings since mid-March and now I have that time and mental space… I need to process what I’ve been through in the last couple of months. It’s been huge. For all of us.

I’ve adapted and transitioned quite well with everything that has been thrown my way. I am the person in the family that everyone relies on to make the decisions and get things done. I’ve made sure everyone else is OK and happy and not too anxious with the mammoth changes that have been happening. But now that they are all out of the house, I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s emotions. And I guess that’s why mine are flooding in.

So here I am, with 6 hours in front of me and no plans. Unheard of. Scary as fuck. I don’t like it.

What I would like to do though, is start focusing on this baby. We tried for almost 3 years to fall pregnant, and I don’t feel as though I’ve had a chance to think about the poor little bugger for awhile. He/She’s been there, kicking away, nice and healthy. But I haven’t been able to give them the attention I would have liked to, the attention the girls certainly got. They got the music played to the belly, the constant moisturising to avoid stretch marks. This neglected little babe needs some lovin’, so I guess that’s one thing I can do.

One thing I have been enjoying is our nightly bath’s though, so not totally neglected. Usually I’m accompanied by at least one other little person, mostly both of them. My advice to you if you want to get to know your kids? Take a bath with them! I have had THE best conversations with the girls over the last few months. I pop my bath crystals in and whack on my Spotify playlist. The girls make potions and perfumes and wash my belly and (lovingly) point out all the weird and wonderful parts of my body. It’s probably been one of my favourite bonding times with them in their whole lives.

Some tips I can recommend on transitioning out of isolation:

• Be OK with your emotions. No one we know has ever been through this, there is no guide on how to do this. Feel it. Do your best.
• Trust the universe. This has been a big one for me (and yeah yeah, I know it’s a little ‘woo woo’) but when I’m feeling overwhelmed I imagine the future (and ask myself: Do I think I’ll get corona virus? Do I think my kids will get it?), then I feel my intuition kick in (The answer has so far been, that No, we won’t get it. The universe has my back and will keep us safe), and trust that.
• Be open with your kids (to a certain extent). I’ve found that with every big hurdle life has thrown at us, the kids have been really resilient unless we hide things from them. Eg: When my Mum had breast cancer, we didn’t tell Missy because we didn’t want her to associate my Mum’s illness with my Dad’s (because my Dad passed away from cancer) – So we just didn’t tell her anything. I then heard that she was telling her friends at kinder how Nana has a sick boob and has to have an operation, and I quickly realised that even though we hadn’t told her anything – She is bloody switched on and had picked up bits and pieces from overhearing conversations and started to make her own story up. For kids like her? You need to sit them down and explain to them (in an appropriate way) what is going on. Answer any questions they might have, and keep them in the loop. If you have kids who couldn’t give a shit? Well, that’s OK too! If they don’t need the information, then don’t overwhelm them with it. You know your kids best!

This morning after I waved the family off, I’ve done a load of washing, emptied and cleaned the bins, showered my plants (yep, there are a lot of indoor plants so they get a fortnightly shower!) and have done some general tidying. I know my pelvis will hate me if I do anymore, so I’ve opted for the couch and to blog my feelings.

So now? To figure out this ‘new normal’ for the next 7 weeks before it all changes again!